Thursday, February 5, 2009

An open letter to Hilary Duff

If you need some backstory, here's the rundown: Former Disney cash cow Hilary Duff will take on Faye Dunaway's role as Bonnie Parker in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde called, The Story of Bonnie and Clyde.

Dunaway's natural retort to this casting nightmare? “Couldn't they at least have cast a real actress?” On Tuesday, Duff lashed out at the Oscar winning legend. Watch as Hilary Duff disgraces herself:

Dear Hilary,

This is not the only website that thinks you playing infamous gangster Bonnie Parker is a dreadful idea. Faye Dunaway's brutal opinion sounds severe, but it's not the opinion of an old, bitter, jealous actress as you would have us believe. It's an opinion shared by many outside of your obviously clueless fan base, who you claim isn't knowledgeable enough to even know who Faye Dunaway is.

Before I proceed, I urge you to command your minions fans to watch the original film. Sadly, if they are as clueless as you let on, they'll grow bored with having to watch a film that was made long before they were born.

With the news that you are going full steam ahead with this project I urge you to consider one of the following:

Request #1 – Realize that you're going to fail

The original Bonnie and Clyde is an Oscar winning classic and Faye Dunaway's performance is iconic. If you haven't already seen the film, don't. Watching will only make your work even more disastrous. You'll either try to mimic Dunaway's sexy outlaw (irritating), or you'll choose to learn nothing at all and give your typical forgettable performance (less disastrous). If I were you I'd choose the latter to avoid public ridicule. Many of us don't expect much from you so you won't be accused of disappointing us.


Request #2 – Prove Faye Dunaway (and me) wrong

Give a performance that's the equivalent of a middle finger. Dunaway was only four years older than you are when she played Bonnie and was nominated for an Oscar. But at the time, Bonnie and Clyde was only her third on screen role. So really, you've got more screen experience than Dunaway did, and therefore have no excuse for your middling performances. So make a fool of Faye, Hilary. Immerse yourself in the character, read everything you can about the Great Depression, spend every waking moment getting to know your Clyde (the talented Kevin Zegers), and hell, if you're going to shoot your mouth off, you might as well learn to shoot the real thing – take shooting lessons.

Hilary, you could have learned from Faye Dunaway's experience and wisdom. You could have avoided looking like a childish, spoiled brat and suggested Faye Dunaway judge your performance after seeing the film. Instead you resorted to insulting her looks (for the record she's still a knockout). So you can either accept your lot in life, leaving us all to forget you exist, or you can knock our socks off. Again, I suggest you choose the latter Ms. Duff, or you risk looking like a prized fool.



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